Oh That Smell

Technically it is spring in New England and while the temperature does not seem to agree, it does mean it is time to do the spring burning. For those people that don't live in an area of the country that allows burning, this is when you take all the broken limbs, twigs, etc. that you have collected since fall and burn them in your yard.

I started a bit late this year and did my first burning yesterday. I have quite a large pile of material and started burning at 10AM, as that is when the permit says you may start. I fed the fire all day and around 3 in the afternoon I decide it was about time to start shutting it down. According to the permit all fires must be out by 4PM.

With a hose and shovel I alternated between soaking the ash pile and then stirring it up. The purpose being to make sure all the ash and coals are cool enough so that the fire does not reignite and perhaps cause damage.

After going through this cycle 2 or 3 times the wind shifted direction and I was hit with the smell of stall water mixed with charcoal ash and I was instantly transported to the back of an open truck riding through Port-au-Prince. It took me by surprise and brought back so many images. Shortly after the wind shifted again and I lost the smell.

The real strange part is that I then found myself attempting to find the smell, however horrible, again. It was not to be. After that instant the mixture would not recreate the smell, but the images stayed with me.

They say that smell is the most powerful memory inducing sense. As a visual person I would not have believed that. But after yesterday I don't think I will doubt that sense again.

One Month Later

It has been about a month since I was in Haiti and it is still constantly on my mind. I think I have adjusted back to "normal" life better this year. I don't seem to be suffering from as much guilt as I did this time last year. I don't know if this is because I am hardened or because I am taking a broader view. Don't get me wrong, I can still be easily driven to be a mess when recalling Haiti, but in normal conversation I am better able to control the situation.

It is strange sometimes to have Haiti so near to my thoughts all the time. Try to imaging being in a detailed conversation dealing with your job, a conversation where you are completely engaged and that takes your full concentration. Then imagine that in the middle of that conversation an image of the 5 year old orphan that you built a necklace with takes over your entire thought. And then you have to find a way back to your work conversation. Now apply that to every aspect of your life. Working. Eating. Driving. Talking. Worshipping. This is my life.

Depending on the situation it is easier or harder to fight your way back to the present. The hardest times are when there is nothing else to occupy your thoughts; doing automatic tasks: driving, waiting, the quiet of the morning, as you fade to sleep.

You think it would be easier if it would stop, but you also know that you don't want it to because you would lose part of yourself. I honestly think it helps me make better decisions in the long run as it gives a good perspective on value. The good news it is not debilitating. Clearly, I am able function effectively, but it is the new normal.