It has been about a month since I was in Haiti and it is still constantly on my mind. I think I have adjusted back to "normal" life better this year. I don't seem to be suffering from as much guilt as I did this time last year. I don't know if this is because I am hardened or because I am taking a broader view. Don't get me wrong, I can still be easily driven to be a mess when recalling Haiti, but in normal conversation I am better able to control the situation.
It is strange sometimes to have Haiti so near to my thoughts all the time. Try to imaging being in a detailed conversation dealing with your job, a conversation where you are completely engaged and that takes your full concentration. Then imagine that in the middle of that conversation an image of the 5 year old orphan that you built a necklace with takes over your entire thought. And then you have to find a way back to your work conversation. Now apply that to every aspect of your life. Working. Eating. Driving. Talking. Worshipping. This is my life.
Depending on the situation it is easier or harder to fight your way back to the present. The hardest times are when there is nothing else to occupy your thoughts; doing automatic tasks: driving, waiting, the quiet of the morning, as you fade to sleep.
You think it would be easier if it would stop, but you also know that you don't want it to because you would lose part of yourself. I honestly think it helps me make better decisions in the long run as it gives a good perspective on value. The good news it is not debilitating. Clearly, I am able function effectively, but it is the new normal.
I kind of wish I had had a powerful experience in La Romana, but I didn't. My work is to accept that. Of course that discipline in itself is somewhat transformative.
ReplyDeleteLynn K