There and Back Again

I was raised in the church, a Methodist church to be specific. I attended regularly, went to youth group, was an acolyte, went throughout confirmation, and all the other things one would expect of someone who was raised in a church. What I didn't do is really think about my faith, even when going through confirmation. What this meant is that despite my parent's and the church's best effort I did not have a strong grounding in my faith.

This lack of a faith grounding was set free as I entered my later years of high school and college. When you take the lack of grounding and combine it with a technical leaning and education, what you get is a agnostic who is just lazy enough at times to identify himself as an atheist. This worked out well for me for the most part. It allowed me to completely ignore faith issues and allowed me to justify it with a label. It also conveniently allowed me not to worry about ethics (not that I really did anything that was horrible) and the question of how or if I am living a life that follows God's will.

I should mention at this time that my girl friend, now my wife, had a strong faith and while I fluctuated, she did not. We tended not to talk too much about religion as it conveniently allowed us not to get in to areas of discussion that could cause conflict. But, all the while she stayed constant and ever so slowly I came to change. And when I say "ever so slowly", I mean it as it was a good 15 years after college that I would say my heart and mind truly changed.

The idea that really changed me was the concept of love and how it is applied to my children. For if there was no God then I could not love my children. I could have chemical reactions and hormones that made me want to protect them, but that is not the same as love. Either I was a machine controlled by a series of chemical and biological switches or I loved my children. And if I loved my children then there is something more than simply biology; and that, in a round about way, means God exists and can no longer be denied or ignored.

I suppose the exact logic path isn't as important as the fact that it led me to the conclusion and conviction of God and that meant I had to change. This meant going to church willing with the family as opposed to begrudgingly, praying at meals, reading scripture, etc. Often times I led with action; belief or conviction followed. But it did come and I have grown stronger in my faith over time. I still am what I consider a "baby" Christian with lots to go, but I am willing to follow that path.

God Bless